I'm Confused

I think that's probably the most accurate and most honest way to capture my state of being at most times: confused. I'm just... confused.

I don't think it's a bad thing. Being confused, that is. I think it's just a part of this leg of the journey. At least, I hope it's part of this leg of the journey. Otherwise, I need to see a psychiatrist. Stat.

Wow... I've had to restart this next sentence about 4 times before deciding that I can't even finish it. Here is the sentence: "Here's what I mean about being 'confused...'". And then I can't finish it. It's like however I want to capture it, I just can't. Maybe that's because I'm confused about my confusion.

No, that's not it. I don't think I'm confused about my confusion. I think I know why I am confused. I'm confused mainly because I'm young. Here's what I mean by that (and this time, I think I can finish that sentence!): I think that I know why things are the way that they are. Not about everything, mind you. But about certain things. I think that I can point to biblical truths, situational evidence, and past experience to provide an explanation as to why particular things are they way they are.

But, I ask myself: do the other people around me and above me who are not so young see it the way that I see it? Would they point to the same truths, the same situational evidence, and similar experience to provide the same explanation? And if so, why are they not acting or responding in the way that I would respond?

It's here that my youth kicks in. I start to wonder: are there things that they see about this situation that I do not? Things that they are able to see because of their more extensive experience or knowledge, insider information, and the like? Is my youthful inexperience a blindspot on my sight?

And it kicks in here, too. I start to wonder: are there things that they do not see because of the filters they have developed over the years that I have yet to develop? Are those filters a good thing, or a bad thing? Do they enable clearer vision, or do they produce blindspots? Really, what it boils down to for me is this: do I see things that they do not?

And I think my youth drives me toward the latter of the two "kicking in" points. I really, really want to believe that I see things that they do not. I mean, I am forced to consider the former--that they see things that I do not. But I'd much rather believe and act upon the latter--that I see things that they do not.

And I think the fact that I want to believe the latter and not the former is a rather unfortunate characteristic of being young. And somewhat stupid and green, too.

But, come on... how romantic and amazing would it be to "take a stand" and "boldly proclaim the truth?" How godly of me. "Here's what I see that all of you obviously don't." I'd be like a prophet... like Jeremiah or Elijah or someone like that. Standing up to the leaders who have missed it... only to be chased into the desert where I have to live on crickets and manna and sugar water that comes out of rocks. Such is the life of the prophets of God.

Only I don't think that my leaders are worshipping Baal or erecting statues of themselves or anything. They're actually all respectable, sincere, godly men--worthy of my respect and submission, and from whom I can learn a lot.

Nevertheless, I am faced with this dilemma: I think there might be things that they see that I do not, and I think that there might be things that I see that they do not. I'm pretty sure that both of those are true. The trick is gonna be how to find out if indeed they both are true, or if only one of them is.

Another part about being young that kinda sucks is this: as a young person, you are easily shaped by your environment. We like to pretend that's not the case, like we know who we are and will stay who we are no matter where we are, but that's pretty much crap. It's crap because wherever we go when we're young, we encounter new things--things we've never had to think about before, understand before, or make a decision about before.

And think about them, try to understand them, and make a decision about them we will. We have to. It's our responsibility as people, as pastors called by God. But in each of those new things--those new situations that we think, understand, and decide about--our convictions and values that currently shape our thinking, understanding, and deciding are put to the test.

And these aren't school tests any more. These are tests that involve people... that involve souls. Not to mention others' perception of us... others who may even be the providers of our jobs.

And as a result of continually being tested, and continually observing how others beyond you in experience and age handle those same tests, you yourself are changed. And that's scary.

Here's why that's scary: because at every level so far, you as a young person have been given warnings by those mentors and sages that you have looked to for education, guidance, mentoring, discipleship, accountability, etc. You have listened to the stories of those who have been burned out, of those who became someone they did not set out to be, of those who miraculously escaped the traps that they found themselves in, and of those who weren't so lucky.

And you realize: my thinking, understanding, and decisions on these new situations really does matter. They matter because they are shaping who I am... shaping who I am in a way that I'm probably not even fully aware.

And you wonder: how do I know if my thinking is right? How do I know if my understanding is whole? How do I know if the decision I made was the right one? What's the standard by which I'm supposed to measure?

I feel like I should stop now. Not stop asking the questions... just writing about them for now.